Book Review: "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge

Eldridge, Sherrie. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. New York: Dell Publishing, 1999.

Sherrie Eldridge, the author of Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, is an adoptee herself. Throughout the book, she uses several personal anecdotes to explain the point of view of the adoptee. She has also formed the organization called Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc. which helps to educate others about the adoptee’s perspective.

This book is like a memoir in that it is a collection of stories and perspectives from the author. Eldridge occasionally brings in quotes from other books that support the ideas she is trying to convey. It is written for the audience of adoptive parents.

Rating: 3) I found this book somewhat interesting. I would only recommend it for adoptive parents who seem to be having trouble connecting with their adopted child.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is not available at the CSB/SJU libraries and I would not recommend buying this book. I found it at my public library at home.

Review

            The book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge lays out various ideas of what adoptees may be thinking and what the adoptive parents can do to work towards a healthier relationship with their child. With the author being an adoptee herself, the book is fairly one-sided toward the adoptees. Eldridge does pull out some good points, but she tends to repeat herself and focus on the negatives.

            The main points that Eldridge suggests within her “twenty things” are adoption loss, false guilt, no closure, toxic shame, and fear of abandonment and rejection. Throughout her book, these are the ideas that come up again and again. Her first statement is that all adoptees experience an excruciatingly painful loss at the beginning of their life, which she refers to as “adoption loss.” She says, “Loss for the adoptee is unlike other losses we have come to expect in a lifetime, such as death and divorce. Adoption is more pervasive, less socially recognized, and more profound” (Eldridge, pg 5). It is because of this that Eldridge says that adoptive parents need to provide a very open and understanding relationship with their child to allow for discussion about this loss and how to cope with it. This is very important not only for the adoptee, but also for everyone else involved. Eldridge explains, “When adoption loss is not validated, verbalized, and grieved, every member of the family suffers” (Eldridge, pg 8). Throughout this book, she provides many different examples of how to open up this relationship and let the adoptee know that it is okay to talk about anything that is on their mind. Once this idea of adoption loss is introduced, Eldridge branches off and begins to talk about reasons why this loss can be so painful and different ways that children can act in response to this loss.

Overall, the book did provide a few good points, though I personally wouldn’t recommend it. The main thing that I didn’t like was its negative tone and how Eldridge seemed to say that these are thoughts and feelings that all adoptees have and that we should assume this unless they tell us otherwise. There was only one time where she contradicted herself. She said, “But don’t look for problems where there are none. Not all adoptees have a difficult time on their birthday. Many aren’t fazed at all” (Eldridge, pg 176). Other than this, she tells the reader that these thoughts that she lays out are at least in the back of every adoptee’s head. The main problem with this mentality is it seems like she did not have a very positive experience with adoption. That could be a result of many different things, but she never really mentions that every adoption story is different. Each child is different, every situation is different, every set of adoptive parents is different. Eldridge clumps all of these different stories into one basic adoptee perspective. I think that this is inaccurate, though I do think that some of her ideas are good for adoptive parents to be mindful of.

            Another aspect of this book that I disliked was the amount of repetition Eldridge uses from chapter to chapter. I understand that there are certain things she wanted to be heard, but after about five or six chapters in, I felt like I was reading the same things over and over again. I also disagreed with her comment at the end of the book. She said, “You have learned how to access the world of your child, become sensitive to his unspoken needs and then validate his emotional reality. Congratulations! That makes you real parents and secures your place in your child’s life” (Eldridge, pg 211). It is the end of that quote that frustrates me the most. Just reading a book won’t make you a “real parent,” at least not with my idea of what a “real parent” is. I also don’t think that it is possible to “secure your place in your child’s life,” with adoptive--or birth parents for that matter. Every family and every set of relationships is different. You can be the perfect parent and do everything right in raising your child and still end up on the outside of their life. It truly varies from person to person.

            Though I ended up not liking the book for the most part, I do believe that some of the points could be helpful for adoptive parents. I did like that this book is a collection of ideas from an adoptee’s perspective. The most important point that Eldridge makes is that it is essential to work to form a very open relationship with your child and always encourage dialogue within the family. In the beginning of the book, she lists what I like to call the yay’s and nay’s of adoption. These are just some basic ideas of what you should and shouldn’t do if you would like to “gain access” into your child’s thoughts and feelings. Eldridge also suggests throughout the book different ideas of things to say to your child within different situations. This certainly could be very helpful for adoptive parents who just don’t know how to have a dialogue with their child.

Therefore, I would only recommend this book to adoptive parents as long as they also read some books with other perspectives. Sherrie Eldridge seems to be very one-sided, though she did attempt to provide examples from other books written by adoptees, parents, and psychologists. I found that I liked the words of the other authors better than her own a majority of the time. For example, she quotes the book The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter, “We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely personal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe” (Eldridge, pg 7). It was much easier for me to understand the words of Gritter on adoption loss than those of Eldridge. I believe that with some of the key points from Eldridge in the back of their mind along with other perspectives on the topic, adoptive parents can be successful in connecting with their adopted child.